You’ve read them. Or heard them. The lists that say, “You might have (blank) if you (blank),” or “You know you (blank) if you . . .)
I heard a list called “You Know You Live in New England If . . .”, with the line, “you keep a snow scraper in your trunk all year long.” After living there for a couple of years, I laughed very hard at that one because it is so true!
A Reddit contributor on the r/UlcerativeColitis thread came up with a “You Might Have UC If . . .” I have reprinted it here, with permission from the original poster. (Possibly-deranged) I have also included some of the responses that people posted and added a few of my own.
I hope you find something here that makes you smile!
You Might Have UC If...
The only diary you keep chronicles the food you ate and its consequences the next morning, and you're meticulous on updating and analyzing it.
You know what the Bristol stool chart is and know your number.
You hold the household's gold metal in the 3 meter bathroom dash, all while skillfully jumping over, around, and tackling anything in your path.
You discover a floater carelessly left behind and experience poop envy and not disgust.
You know where every area bathroom is, how clean it is, and the all important how long you'll have until someone knocks.
You trust a gut gurgle even less than a used car salesman or politician.
You know a fart in public is like playing Russian Roulette.
Your medication cabinet and kitchen counter space is more extensive than a pharmacy, with drugs and supplements that no one has ever heard of.
You take the dog for a walk, and both end up pooping in the bushes. (Oh, you thought the doggy poop bags were for my dog's poop?)
When everyone knows your name at the doctor's office (or pharmacy) when you walk in, (like the old tv show Cheers).
You keep a flashlight in your toilet areas. (Embarrassed_Media)
You mapped out in your head where you can stop during your work commute or road trip or any trip involving a car. (Educational-Cookie51 )
You analyze whether or not you can go out without having to poop in the middle of the trip and know where every bathroom is in place you’ve been too more than once. (Quincy_Hater )
A portable bidet is part of your EDC (every day carry). (itscrunchtime )
Being excited to talk about a good poop then instantly remembering no one else wants to talk about poop. (Dur-gro-bol )
You pay for a gym membership and treat it more like a public restroom than a workout area. (pooptrackerIBS )
You’re a grown person but you keep adult diapers handy in your closet and car, just in case. – me
You carefully examine your stool after every bowel movement looking for evidence of whether your world is still good or about to fall apart. – me
You have the PoopCheck app on your phone, just in case your own examination is not enough. - me (I do not have this app, but when I heard that there really was an app with this name, I had to put it on this list!)
You read the ulcerative colitis Reddit thread almost every day. – me
If I hear or think of any others, I will add them!
© Colitis Senioritis 2026
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