Thus, religion is a large part of who I am. And, naturally, when I am in any type of pain, I turn towards God.
Because of being so sick, and then going on medication that suppressed my immune system, I was unable to go to church for over four months. But I never felt alone. I often felt like God had reached down and wrapped His arms around me. I know He could remove this chronic illness, but I also know that we grow mostly from hard things and there is a reason for every rotten thing we go through.
My ties with God are one of the bigger things helping me along this unwanted, uncharted, unsolicited path. I have cried out in writhing pain to Him and received relief. A friend asked if I struggled with depression or despair during my roughest times, and honestly, the answer was, a little, but not much. It was because I felt Him right there. I feel Him right there still. I consider that a great miracle and tender mercy.
There is a painting that shows Christ crouched down on the water, amidst a great storm of raging waves, lightning, and darkness. His hand is stretched out. His eyes are intense, looking straight at you. Above Him, the caption reads, “FOCUS ON ME, not the storm.” Those words are burned into my heart.
Find Joy in the Ordinary
Several years before I was diagnosed, I found this scripture in the Old Testament:
Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither shall
fruit be in the vines; the labour of the olive shall fail, and the fields shall
yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall be no
herd in the stalls:
Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of
my salvation. (Habakkuk 3:17-18 KJV)
After reading these verses, the thought came into my mind, “Keep your joy! No matter what happens, keep your joy.” I wrote those words down in the margin so I would not forget.
I found and love this: Joy is not the absence of
pain but the presence of God.
(Songwriter and speaker Deanna Edwards, BYU Education week.)
In the New Testament, the story of the woman who touched Jesus’ hem to be healed has taken on new meaning for me, but not in the way you probably think. Here is the story as recorded in Luke:
And a woman having an issue of blood twelve years, which had spent all her living upon physicians, neither could be healed of any, came behind him, and touched the border of his garment: and immediately her issue of blood stanched.
And Jesus said, Who touched me? When all denied, Peter and they that were with him said, Master, the multitude throng thee and press thee, and sayest thou, Who touched me?
And Jesus said, Somebody hath touched me: for I perceive that virtue is gone out of me. And when the woman saw that she was not hid, she came trembling, and falling down before him, she declared unto him before all the people for what cause she had touched him, and how she was healed immediately.
And he said unto
her, Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole; go in peace.
(Luke 8:43-48 KJV. Also Matthew 9:20-22, Mark 5:25-34)
There is the obvious meaning of physical healing by faith. But the part of this story that changed for me was the emphasis, changing from the word healed to the word whole.
Yes, I would love to be healed. Anyone with any illness or infirmity of any kind wants to be healed! But more than that, I want to be whole. Complete. All of me. That means more than my body needs to be healed.
This scripture explains it better:
And the very God
of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit
and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus
Christ.
(1 Thessalonians 5:23 KJV)
For me to become
my best self, my spirit and soul need to be stretched. I need to be tried and
tested and twisted and bent. And that refinement, that growth, that becoming will eventually involve pain, physical or otherwise. For me that now includes colitis. I am being tried and tested and sometimes it feels like literally twisted and bent.
But being tried can push someone away from Jesus, instead of towards Him. Thus it is vital that I ask the Savior to walk this uneven, clouded path with me. I only see a few steps ahead; He knows the entire way. He can pull me aside when dangers loom up. He can gently nudge me in the right direction when the path diverges. And He can carry me over the worst parts of the path that I could never cross myself.
For the Lord thy God . . . knoweth thy walking through this great wilderness . . . the Lord thy God hath been with thee; thou hast lacked nothing. (Deuteronomy 2:7 KJV)
I have always
believed in God. I will keep my joy in Him! With His help I will see my colitis diagnosis as a part of the path bringing me closer to Him. Through Him I will work on becoming
whole, spirit, soul, and body, so that I may hear those beautiful words, "Daughter, be of good comfort: thy faith hath made thee whole."
Even when my body is hurting.
Posts
